WEIGHT: 65 kg
Services: Striptease pro, Spanking (giving), Pole Dancing, Humiliation (giving), Fetish
To be clear, this wasn't where I had envisaged ending up on a night out in Ashgabat - the capital of the former Soviet Bloc state. Me and two Kiwi mates were lured here on the promise of a "disco" in the basement of the city's most luxurious hotel, the Grand Turkmen.
Broken English and our complete lack of Russian didn't help our fortunes - but hey, we had got a lot more out of Ashgabat than we expected. You see, Ashgabat is the centre of power for Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow - the long-time President of Turkmenistan, known for both his abysmal human rights record and iron-fist rule. Ashgabat is a reflection of Berdimuhamedow in many ways - initially appearing polished and poised, but paranoid and pretend on closer inspection.
For those reasons and more, the city of 1 million is often compared to North Korea's capital of Pyongyang. We'd found ourselves in this closed-off country, north of Iran, for a few days while driving 15, kilometres from England to Mongolia as part of the Mongol Rally.
After entering the country on our strict five-day transit visas, the first thing we notice about Ashgabat is the astonishing level of grandeur and order. The highways are impeccable, whistle-toting police line the streets and the city's skyline almost wholly consists of large, white marble-cladded buildings. On a side note, Ashgabat has the honour of holding a proper Guinness World Record for the city with the highest concentration of white marble buildings. But the thing is, this is all a sham - the city is a big, expensive fake, built purely to please an image-conscious leader.
They were built purely to pump-up the country's image for the upcoming Asian Indoor and Martial Arts Games, described as a 'hello world' moment for the country.